What stands out from the meetings and webinars? 

• The young couple who came to the one meeting having never been to a Group meeting before.  Their baby was stillborn last year – but the young father’s brother had been a SIDS death a couple of years ago. They came out in the dark and cold to make sure that I understood the grief was the same.  The wonderful local Group swept them up, and by the end of the evening the father was considering training as a befriender.
  
   
• Watching the member who had been involved for 30 years connecting with a volunteer who had only just become involved and finding common ground and understanding in wanting to make more of a difference.
  
   
• Listening to a SIDS mother say: “I so wanted to talk to other mothers whose babies had died - I found a home in my Sands Group where I could cry, laugh, eat chocolate and just be me.  Can’t we make sure all parents can have this?”
  
   
• One mother who stood up to say: “It hurts thinking about losing Sands, but if we can save even one more baby by doing this we should do it now.”

I have learnt such a lot by listening.  Emails have been a wonderful way for some to share thoughts and feelings – sometimes angry to start with, sometimes confused, always wanting to be heard. However, I also appreciate that not everyone wants to engage – and this is absolutely fine.

 

Building connections and understanding with The Lullaby Trust

Obviously, it is also important to use this time to build as much of an understanding about The Lullaby Trust as we can. To this end I went to speak to The Lullaby Trust staff at their Away Day – there were lots of questions about Sands, with everyone wanting to understand more about stillbirth and neonatal death. 

What many of them hadn’t realised was how much work there was still to do; establishing and learning from reviews, fully implementing care bundles, sharing safer pregnancy messages, ensuring bereavement support reaches all parents who suffer a stillbirth or neonatal death, breaking the silence. Their response - “we must do something about this” - really stayed with me.

I also heard Professor Neil Sebire speaking at The Lullaby Trust’s Scientific Committee. He likened the proposals to the big cancer charities coming together 30 or so years ago and spoke about the need for this step change in the baby loss sector; a very powerful image.

 

Building connections and understanding further afield

Francine Bates and I were approached by the charity think-tank New Philanthropy Capital (NPC) before Christmas – they were interested in an approach that openly discussed a potential merger, acknowledging that no decision had been taken at all – not even an ‘in principle’ one. 

They interviewed us and asked us to attend a Round Table in early January and it was a fascinating and insightful discussion.

They have published the interview online and the external response to the approach has been powerful: “(a merger) can only benefit babies and the sector; huge respect; fabulous; constructive approach; a grown-up conversation with priorities in the right place; exemplary approach; powerful example of leadership”.

 

Sands Staff

Several staff members have experienced mergers before, and what is clear is that the experience of being involved and listened to feels different and positive. On the whole the tone is positive, and in some cases excited – as one person said: “what we are trying to do every day is make a difference, and if this helps us to do that better then of course we should do it”.

At the Staff Away Day a couple of weeks ago I got everyone to ‘walk and talk’ with a colleague that they didn’t usually work with, and then to write their hopes and fears on post-its. It highlighted for me the anxieties some staff have around losing momentum with all the good work we are currently doing. 

Delyth Morgan (CEO of the recently merged Breast Cancer Now) has said that it is essential to ensure that business as usual continues and thrives through any merger process, and to plan carefully for this. If we do merge, then this has to be a priority.

 

Looking ahead

I am acutely aware that people want to know when a decision will be made and I want to say, hand on heart, to those who ask if it is a done deal – no, the ‘in principle decision’ is at the end of March.

So, in conclusion, I think I would say we are not doing it this way because it is easy but because it is the right thing to do.  Along the way we are all learning more about each other, about what we do, and about really matters to all bereaved parents.

With very best wishes

Clea