Shelly shares how one of the main things she’s struggled with since the stillbirth of her daughter Gabriella Grace is not knowing why it happened. When she saw the consultant six weeks after Gabriella died, he said, "Just one of those things." 

15 years on things are still very difficult. Shelly shares how she struggles with anxiety and always fears the worst, struggles seeing healthcare professionals, and how her relationship with her living kids can sometimes be tricky because of her constant need to know where they are. She reflects how she will never be the same person again.

“My story begins in 2010 when after three perfect pregnancies and births I found myself pregnant again which came as a shock but once that had worn off, we found ourselves very excited to have a newborn in the house again. 

Sadly, I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. We were completely devastated. After some time we decided to try again, and this resulted in a positive pregnancy test in August of the same year.

This was a very anxious time for me, but at my 12 week scan we were told everything was looking perfect. Ay my 21 week scan we were told we were having a little girl. We named her Gabriella Grace. With two sons and a daughter already, this was just the most perfect addition to our family.

Everything was going to plan! It was 3rd April 2011 (Mother’s Day) and we had a quiet day at home. In the morning I had felt a very strange sensation which could only be described as a roly poly. I remember speaking to Gabriella asking if she was going to be a gymnast! Little did I know then that I would never feel my baby girl move again. It soon became apparent as the day moved on that Gabriella had gone very quiet. With the kids still young my husband stayed with them whilst I went to the hospital for some reassurance.

 Hearing the news that Gabriella had died is something I won't ever come to terms with. 

My whole world just fell apart, and I knew at that moment our lives would never be the same. I was sent home and asked to return the following morning just to confirm this result on a larger scanning machine and to start the process of induction. 

We were given a bereavement room where we could stay until she was born. My first induction was Monday 4th April, and during that week I was induced countless times with no sign of labour. I think by the time she was born it was number 11. 

By the Thursday I was literally begging to have a caesarean section for which I was refused. Being in the bereavement room listening to all the newborns crying is something that still haunts us today. I know that things have since improved with soundproofing so hopefully this will spare other families from the same nightmare.

 On the Friday of that week, I was advised to go home for the weekend as there would be no one on duty over the weekend to make any decisions about my care. My daughter had died six days ago, and she was still inside me. I reluctantly went home and spent the weekend with my children. 

Monday morning came - eight days after she had died - I went back into the hospital and after being given stronger induction medication my beautiful angel was born in the early hours of 12th April 2011. She was small but so very beautiful. She was perfect and my heart broke in two forever. 

As I left the hospital without my child, I was told a midwife would visit me in the morning and given paperwork to give her. I still have that paperwork 15 years later as no one came to see me. 

I did see a consultant six weeks later who told me there was no reason why this happened to Gabriella. "Just one of those things" he said. Never having a reason WHY is the main thing I've struggled with over the years. 

My daughter would have just turned 15 and things are still very difficult. 

I struggle with anxiety and always fear the worst; I really struggle seeing healthcare professionals as I'm convinced it will always end in bad news. My relationship with my living kids can sometimes be tricky because of my constant need to know where they are. They have always been understanding but it's always been an issue. I don't really socialise unless I’m with my family so consequently have lost friends over the years. 

Carrying my dead child for over a week has had a lasting effect on me and I have never and never will be the same person.

Sands support has been great.

Sands meetings and arranged events have always been a comfort to me and the Christmas service is my favourite.”