When Kris heard the news his daughter Eva had no heartbeat he just wanted out. Watching his partner being surrounded by doctors, nurses and midwives, it felt like the weight of the world was on top of him. He shares how since losing Eva, he and his partner have created self-care boxes for other bereaved parents at the hospital they were cared for named after their beautiful girl, how a poem he wrote for Eva has been displayed in the hospital and how after months of trying to find the right help for himself, he joined Glasgow and Lanarkshire Sands United football team which has helped him mentally and physically.
From playing online games with some friends to being told you’ve lost your baby; how do you cope with that?
I’ll never forget that day or the weeks that followed. The day we lost Eva was just another day, sitting playing the computer with some mates, partner in bed resting and feeling a little unwell. The next thing I knew I was sat on a hospital chair hearing the worst news imaginable, sorry there is no heartbeat! We only had less than two months to go.
Being in that room hearing the news I just wanted out, feeling like I couldn’t control my breathing or body. Watching my partner being surrounded by doctors, nurses and midwives and feeling helpless. The weight of the world was on top of me.
Immediately after being told this news I’ll never forget one of the nurses that was around the bed turning to me and asking if I was ok? Next, she told me to get in and see my partner which we both needed. I didn’t want to ask as I may have gotten in the way at such a crucial time as I could have lost my partner and baby that day.
After Eva was delivered, I got to meet her on my own as my partner recovered and this is where it got me the most. Standing in a room looking at this little perfect angel. After a couple of minutes, I felt overwhelmed and had to go out for fresh air and maybe at this time I needed to be asked again if I was okay.
We were fortunate enough to spend six days with Eva in a cold cot in hospital. Every member of staff that walked in said hello to Eva and commented on how beautiful she looked. Staff were always asking after mum and myself which helped us build a connection with several of them. At such a difficult time it’s almost unthinkable that we could smile but thanks to the staff we shared stories, talked about life and everything in between. We honestly can’t thank them enough for helping us through such a traumatic time, so much so that we still visit every so often to catch up with staff.
In the days that followed I took on a lot, contacting the registry, funeral directors, trying to reach photographers, having to go home for clothes and toiletries and reaching out to people around us to let them know of the news before we came home as I didn’t want my partner being out and asked “how long left now?”’
During our time in the hospital it really got to me having to leave to go and get toiletries and such as we had to go in unexpectedly, so my partner and I sat and wrote a list of what people may need and within a few months we started putting together boxes for parents so they could stay together for longer and named them after our beautiful girl Eva’s Self Kare & Replenish (named using Eva’s initials ESKR). Boxes included two toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, hairbrush, bobbles, shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, Vaseline, wash clothes, slippers and maternity pads. This brought a sense of closeness to what had happened knowing that we can try and help others and the feedback from the hospital about them was amazing.
During our time in hospital I went to the chapel and found the memorial book for babies which I read front to back and said every name. I did this because in that moment I knew there’s some babies that are forgotten about and they say you die twice, once when you actually die and the next when the last person who remembers you passes away. I realised then it was up to us as parents to keep Eva’s memory and story alive.
Before leaving the hospital, I had written a poem for our little angel on a piece of paper and handed it to a midwife when I thanked them for everything they had done. About a year and a half later my partner attended the hospital for an appointment and after, she went to see if any of the staff were in and fortunately, they were. It brought her to tears seeing that the poem I had written had been printed off and put up in the room we spent six days in. She sent me a text straight away and as soon as I saw it, I was in that moment again.
After losing Eva I tried to reach out because I knew I wanted to speak about it.
Unfortunately, this hasn’t gone as well as I’d hoped. As I was able to speak openly about my feelings and how I was doing, I think this came across as I was doing fine when in fact, I wasn’t, I needed help sorting out what I was feeling. I feel as though because I was able to put into words how I was doing and I wasn’t breaking down in tears people thought I was ok when I wasn’t. I struggle to open up emotionally with my partner, so much so I had to reassure her that I do have my moments but I’ve always kept them private.
After months of trying to find the right help I came across a post on Sands Facebook page about the Glasgow and Lanarkshire Sands United football team and I messaged immediately. Within days I was in the group chat and eager to meet up with the team. It did take time for a game to be organised and turning up for the first time felt daunting, wondering if I going to be asked things about my experience, but it was the complete opposite. I was made to feel welcome straight away and we just played football. From then on, I’ve been a regular at games and had help from some of the guys in the team opening up about Eva. I’ve spoken to some of the guys and heard their stories too and got to know names of other angels over nearly two years now.
This year I had the unfortunate mishap of dislocating my hip and breaking the cup of the hip during one of our games and I can’t thank the guys there that night enough, getting me to hospital and checking up on me as well. That feeling of belonging in the team never left, it only grew stronger and within 10 weeks of injuring myself I was back watching the guys play just so I could feel a part of it again and very much against doctors’ orders at 14 weeks after I took the risk to play again. The team has helped so much mentally and physically that I’m able to speak about our story more openly and feel that the more I talk about Eva the closer she is to me.
