40 stories for #Sands40
40 stories for #Sands40, | 27 September 2018

As part of Sands 40th anniversary this year, we will share 40 stories by 40 parents, family members and friends affected by the death of a baby. Starting during Sands Awareness Month and our #FindingTheWords campaign, we aim to show the sheer number of people who are affected by the tragedy of a baby’s death, help other bereaved parents to understand they are not alone and raise awareness of the issues surrounding stillbirth and neonatal death. Visit our 40 stories for #Sands40 to view other blogs in the series.

It was September 2016 and we was putting the final pieces together in the bedroom and washing all the little tiny clothes, waiting on our little girl's pending arrival.

Her due date was 1st October. I was so nervous but so happy.

I woke that morning quite early feeling a little empty. I couldn't feel her moving, I lay on the bed for an hour trying to count the kicks and I even thought I'd felt a few tiny ones but to be sure my boyfriend and my mum took me to the maternity department for a check.

We walked into triage and sat on bed number two. The nurse was so lovely and we had a laugh and a joke. She took out the monitor and put it on my belly. After about 20-30 seconds I just saw all the blood drain from her face.

I can't explain the feeling I had in that moment and I can't describe it. Soon I had five doctors around my bed, two with scan machines and others just watching. The panic on my boyfriend’s face still haunts me to this day.

The room cleared and one doctor stayed, he got down on his knees, held mine and my partners hand and said: "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." My boyfriend broke down. And I mean completely broke down. He let out this noise of pure pain of a soul being broken.

I sat there quietly in utter shock and it felt like I'd left my body behind and went somewhere else for a while.

We came back the next day for me to be induced and I got escorted into room one of the George Elliot maternity building.

They started the induction process and I gave birth on the 4th October 2016 to my beautiful girl weighing 8lbs 2.5oz.

I was so scared to look at her at first. I had no idea what to expect. But once I did I couldn't look away and I cherished every day I got with her until her funeral.

We named her Paige Lyra-May Javor. She sent us a beautiful rainbow baby called Harrison who is now 11 weeks old.

Anna and Paige

Picture: Anna and baby Paige. 

15 babies die before, during or shortly after birth every day in the UK. We want to reduce this number, but we need your help. Support Sands now to help ensure a bereaved parent doesn't have to cope alone. Thank you. 

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