Today is Brew Monday, a day that encourages us to turn small talk into big talk. It’s a powerful opportunity to start a conversation with someone you know who has been affected by pregnancy or baby loss.
We understand that starting these conversations may feel daunting, but they matter deeply. For many bereaved parents, baby loss feels isolating, because people don’t know what to say.
As Rowena Pailing, Head of Bereavement Support Services at Sands, explains:
Bereaved parents often tell us that people are unsure of how to interact with them following their loss. When nobody asks about their baby, they can feel ignored or cut off. Breaking the silence around baby loss is hugely important.
You don’t have to try to make things better or find a solution; nothing can fix the loss. "If you approach a conversation with that mindset it might help,” says Rowena. “What matters most is being willing to listen and simply be there.
Saying something is always better than saying nothing. Some gentle ways you might like to begin a conversation include:
- “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Would you feel comfortable sharing your baby’s name with me?”
For parents who have named their baby, having someone else acknowledge and use their baby’s name can be incredibly powerful.
- “How have you been doing today?”
- When speaking to a partner or non-birthing parent ask, “How are you?” They are often overlooked as people tend to ask about the person who has carried the pregnancy.
Focusing on today and recognising the need to take one day at a time can feel less overwhelming than broader questions.
Listen carefully to the language someone uses when talking about their baby or loss and mirror it. Let them lead the conversation and share what they want to.
Conversations don’t need to be a sit-down chat. Sometimes walking or doing an activity together can feel less intense and help conversation to flow more naturally.
“Silence is okay too,” adds Rowena, “as is emotion. If someone you’re talking to is upset or you cry together, that’s okay. Saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ or ‘I might be saying the wrong thing’ is okay too. It shows you care about being supportive.”
Baby loss doesn’t ever disappear. Remembering important details like a baby’s name, birthday, or anniversary can mean so much to bereaved parents.
“Many parents can feel apprehensive as these dates approach, but a simple card or message like, 'I know today is (baby’s name)’s birthday/anniversary and I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you', can help someone feel seen and supported.”
This Brew Monday, starting a conversation, even imperfectly, can make a big difference.
And remember, we’re here for you and for anyone you know who might need our support.