Please be aware Emma has chosen to share scan pictures, pregnancy pictures and pictures of her baby girl with her story.

“My name is Emma and my husband and I started trying for our family two years ago. We knew that I had diminished ovarian reserve, so we went straight for fertility treatment. On our first round in January 2020, we got pregnant and had a very early miscarriage at five and a half weeks.

We then went on to have three more failed rounds of treatment and then finally on the fifth round of treatment we got pregnant again and this time we continued to be pregnant. Every scan was a worry that we may walk in and be told that our baby's heart had stopped and I was terrified that we were going to suffer a missed miscarriage. We had regular scans and we made it to 12 weeks, the safe zone, no miscarriage, we were still pregnant.

We went for our next scan at nearly 13 weeks pregnant and our baby was on the screen, their heart beating, moving their arms and kicking their legs about. Every scan where our baby was still alive was a relief, but this scan quickly changed and the sonographer started to tell us that there were lots of things wrong with our baby. There was a lot of fluid at the back of the neck, fluid all over her chest and a huge Cystic Hygroma on and around her head. 

It was the day before my husband's birthday and I looked over at him, and he just put his head in his hands and stared at the floor. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and seeing, our desperately wanted and loved baby was sick. We were told that we needed to wait for the genetic tests to come back as they suspected our baby had a genetic disorder.

The next 48 hours went in a blur of trying to keep busy until the results came back. We went back in to see our consultant and the results were back, our baby had Edwards’ syndrome. We were told that based on how she was right now and how much fluid she had all around her, that her heart would likely stop and she would die inside of me they thought by 28 weeks pregnant. I was given the choice of carry on and let her die inside of me (then birth my dead baby), carry on and see if she makes it to a live birth (where she may only live a few hours or a day and then die), or choose to not continue with our pregnancy and have a termination for medical reasons (TFMR).

My world shattered, how could we have gone through all of this to now be sitting here having to 'decide' when to end our baby's life and end our pregnancy. Heartbroken doesn't even come close to how I have felt through this. We made the 'decision' to travel to London and end our pregnancy.

At just under 14 weeks pregnant we said goodbye to our baby, and I was left feeling so hollow and broken. The morning we said goodbye I stood in the bathroom rubbing my belly, wanting to protect my baby, wanting to keep my baby. I knew that whatever I did I wasn't going to get to take my baby home and have a healthy life. A piece of me died that day, I am forever changed and a part of my heart is forever with my precious baby.

Following this we went through three rounds of IVF and discovered we also were dealing with male factor infertility as my husband has varicocele and high sperm DNA fragmentation. 

We have been blessed with a living daughter, who is now three. We are still trying to conceive another living child but have recently had an Embryo Transfer that ended in loss and a further two early losses. Infertility and loss is still affecting our life on almost a daily basis, coexisting alongside gratitude and joy for our living daughter.

I have gone on to set up a not-for-profit organisation in the UK called TFMR Mamas that offers support groups and resources to help other Mamas who have sadly had to say goodbye to their desperately wanted babies due to the health of the mother/birthing person or the health of the baby.”