Our journey began in May 2010 when we fell pregnant accidentally. After it sunk in and the shock passed, we were really happy and looking forward to starting the next part of our journey as a family. Unfortunately, this was not meant to be as a couple of weeks later I miscarried. 

We then started trying to get pregnant again, but my body was not playing ball. My periods were all over the place and I ended up going to the doctor in 2011 as nothing was happening. We went through the process and in January 2012 I was waiting to start Clomid, but my period didn't arrive as I was finally pregnant again after 20 months! 

This pregnancy all went smoothly and I was due 7th October

This date passed, I had a sweep on 11th October and again on 15th October in the morning, then things started to happen. 

I lost my plug then a bit later my waters broke. I went into quite strong labour so I was advised to go to the hospital, baby was back-to-back so they expected a long labour, but this didn't happen. It was progressing well. I had no drugs or gas and air and was coping, it came to me wanting to push so I started. 

I was very tired and the team decided baby was a little bit stuck so called for a consultant. They decided on forceps, so I was prepared and went down to theatre, they gave me my spinal block and were getting sorted then suddenly they changed to c-section. I can remember thinking this is it I'm meeting my baby, but they took him out and swiftly took him over to clear his lungs which I expected may happen as I had researched and knew it was common. 

We waited patiently and quietly, then the midwife appeared next to us telling us that they are just clearing his airways and he needs a little help with his breathing. I could see the tears in her eyes, and I knew something wasn't quite right. We waited again. I can remember watching the clock and feeling it had been too long, then she came over again crying and said I'm very sorry, but your baby has passed away. 

At this point I remember saying did we have a boy or a girl and they told us we had a little boy. We felt broken, the pain was intense, the shock, the disbelief. They brought him over to us and we were wheeled back to our room on the labour ward cradling our boy. We then had to decide on a name and do we take photos or don't we. 

We were moved to a special room

And my husband was provided with a bed. He disappeared under the covers, and I didn't see him for 24 hours. Meanwhile I remember talking with the midwife sharing tears, trying to decide if we should change his clothes or bath him, nothing felt right, we didn't know what to do. Then I was worrying about telling family and friends, worrying about the cats at home - I guess anything to take away from the reality of what was happening. I was numb. 

They came and told us they wanted to take him to Great Ormond Street for a post mortem. This pulled at my heart so hard, how can my baby that I carried for nine months be being taken away to London without me. 

Leaving the hospital and stepping out into the real world where everything was moving on was really tough

We pulled up outside my house and I remember breaking down in tears. I was crying uncontrollably and shaking as I stepped back into our house where we had planned our future as a three, where all our baby stuff was ready and waiting. But we were empty. 

The hospital gave us some leaflets and information about Sands was in their pack

I logged onto the Sands website and read lots of stuff and I started to chat to people on the forum. I found comfort in speaking to others and it really helped me in those early days, and in the middle of the night someone was always there.

We also got amazing support from family and friends. We had flowers and cards, and it was very touching to see how many people cared, but nobody could change things or take away the pain.