We’re very grateful to Seyi for sharing her story as part of Black History Month and ahead of National Befriending Week, 1-7 November. Seyi speaks bravely about her experience of baby loss and the impact this has had on her and how she has learnt to manage the cultural norms that she has faced. By volunteering with Sands, Seyi wants to help other bereaved parents and create change in honour of her daughter.
IyanuOluwa, my second daughter, was born in 2021. I had a placental abruption at 36 weeks. It was my sister’s traditional wedding ceremony, and I suddenly started bleeding. The ambulance took a long time to get us to the hospital and upon arrival when they were looking for her heartbeat, I heard those words that changed my life forever.
I have now come to realise that in my culture and many others, talking about pregnancy and baby loss is difficult. It is difficult because it’s out of the norm and babies should not be dying. It is often not spoken about, and I believe this is part of the norm of ‘keep your business to yourself’ or ‘do not air your laundry outside’.
In terms of the support I received at the time, I did manage to access some of the sessions available through my Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at work, but it was more focused around bereavement in general and not specific to baby loss. I didn’t have any local in-person options available at the time. I went into a dark period of my life and requested therapy. After a while, and approximately two years through my rainbow journey, I had perinatal therapy and that was life changing for me.
I am not the same person anymore. I see life through a different lens now. Grief is a lifelong journey. Some things that didn’t bother me before, now do, and vice versa.
I am learning that joy and grief must co-exist and the same with the cultural clashes of what is deemed normal in the western world in comparison to the African social norms. Managing and navigating the two is complex and there is no right answer for everyone but there can only be a right answer for me.
I first heard about Sands after seeing a post online where they were looking for bereaved parents to join their roundtable group to help raise the profile of baby loss in Black communities. I was inspired straight away, and I have been with Sands for over two years now, having started my journey in May 2023. I have since trained to become a Sands Befriender and now help to facilitate the online support meetings for bereaved families from African and Caribbean communities. Alongside this, I also work closely with the Public Affairs and Campaigns team to lobby for improvements in care at local hospitals. And I’m always willing to support Sands in other ways, including a reading that I did at the Lights of Love event in London in 2023 which made me so proud.
I have always volunteered in some capacity; it is a big part of my heritage and my family. After the loss of my daughter IyanuOluwa (which means the wonders of God), I knew that I wanted to help others and make a difference. There was no local group to me, and I didn’t feel represented as a bereaved parent. It felt important for me to speak up about baby loss so that people from Black communities felt welcome and understood. I also feel that by volunteering it keeps me connected to my daughter and that I am giving back in her memory and honour.
I have always been an open person, however after IyanuOluwa, I was looking to connect with mums that somehow looked like me to work together and talk about our cultural and social norms and how best to navigate those. By telling my story and listening to other bereaved parents, I want to help people to navigate the nuances in our culture and know that it’s ok to find a balance.
Representation matters and is so important because pregnancy and baby loss affects all communities. By sharing my story and volunteering for Sands, I want to help reach more people and create safe spaces for them to access the support they need and deserve.
Volunteering isn’t for everyone and there are so many ways for people to get involved at Sands in ways suit them. My advice to other bereaved parents would be to try different things and speak to those who are already involved. It doesn’t have to be just in one area – you can volunteer based on your skillset and capacity.
Volunteering has been so important for me, and I enjoy the variety of my volunteering. It allows me to continue to honour my daughter whilst helping others.
If you would like to find out more about ways to get involved with support for families from African and Caribbean communities, please contact Jordan Russell at Jordan.Russell@sands.org.uk.
If you would like to enquire about volunteering with Sands generally, please contact volunteering@sands.org.uk.
Support for you
Here at Sands, we know that talking about pregnancy and baby loss can be difficult. Please know that you are not alone, and there are people who understand and whom you can speak to in confidence.
Sands Helpline
t: 0808 164 3332
e: helpline@sands.org.uk