There you were, simply beautiful, with your eyes closed.
You looked quite peaceful.
But did I detect a look of slight frustration in your little face?
Like you really wanted to make it.
You didn't want to be born sleeping. I could tell. Because I am your Mum.
And Mums know these things.
 
You used to always dance in my belly full of life!
How heart wrenchingly hard for us all.
I was ‘low risk’ given a false sense of security.
We were too late.
Nobody knew that anything was wrong.
I’m so sorry.
You never got your chance at life.
My beautiful little boy.
 
So there you were, striking, with your Dad's dimple on your chin.
Wow.
I was in awe of you.
So distinctive and already handsome.
Wispy curls of black hair.
Long fingers and feet!
Clearly your Father's little boy.
 
There you were, amazing, regal even.
Even in your sleep and in your silence.
How proud I am of your beauty!
I searched your every feature.
We made you. Your Dad and I.
 
Why couldn't you be okay I asked the midwife? 
She was too upset to answer.
There were no answers.
I feel as though I could have looked at you forever.
I remember you like you were yesterday.
My beautiful little boy.
 
There you were, a vision, after long nine months.
All six pounds and four ounces of you.
Perfectly formed and weighing above average.
Just two pounds short of me, when I was born, your Mum.
All my hopes and dreams...born still on my hospital bed.
Imagine if you woke up. 
I was looking for a miracle.
 
Why you?
Why me?
Why our family?
Why anyone?
Did your Dad and I do something bad in a past life?
Of course we didn't.
Sadly, sometimes, these things just happen said the doctors and nurses.
Too much of a shame and you were far too high a price to pay.
Losing you will affect us for the rest of our lives.
You cannot be replaced.
Our beautiful baby boy.
 
There you were.
Our baby boy.
Carried away from us forever, albeit, lovingly and compassionately by the supportive midwifes.
With you went my heart and my soul and perhaps even all of me...?
Our beginning of the end.
 
But still you were there. 
Angelically unforgettable.
I will never forget the moment I saw you.
For that would be impossible.
And if you can hear me, I miss you little Faolan Chambers.
You are an angel and I am your Mum.
And I love you.
My beautiful baby boy.
 

Ends. 
17-Mar-2015
 
Teary eyed at 3pm.
Five months and 22 days since you were born sleeping.
By Siobhan, Shiv, Mum