Just over 15 years ago, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child and we were beyond excited.  

My second trimester of pregnancy passed without any issues, I was enjoying being pregnant and then in my third trimester at 32 weeks I went into premature labour. I was nervous about the baby being born early but not overly worried as I worked in healthcare and had looked after lots of premature babies over the years.  

During my labour there was no indication that things were going wrong, but when my baby was born, he was blue, floppy and silent and it was the most deafening silence.  

Watching the medical team performing CPR on my baby felt like I was having an out of body experience. I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to survive but still, until the moment that the doctor turned around to say sorry, I didn't want to believe it.  

My husband and I were given time to spend with our precious boy but we were so in shock and so utterly devastated that we were just going through the motions. Thankfully, the staff came and took some photographs and footprints of our little boy who we named Danny. At the time I remember thinking how odd it was that they were taking pictures of my dead baby but later on these came to be a source of comfort to me.  

We were told we could stay at the hospital and spend as much time with our baby as we wanted but hearing other women in labour and the cries of other babies was too much. Walking out of the maternity hospital with empty arms was heartbreaking.  

In the early months after Danny died, I was overwhelmed with grief and just got through each day on autopilot. Over time and with the support of friends and family and through connecting with my local Sands group I slowly began to feel less overwhelmed by my grief.  

Support from Sands was extremely important to me when Danny died. I attended my first Sands group a few months after Danny’s death and found great comfort in having a safe space to talk about him and my grief with other bereaved parents and family members who had firsthand experience of what I was going through. I met parents at that group who, 15 years on, remain friends today and who continue to remember my baby.  

Without Sands, I wouldn’t have received a memory box for Danny which is very important to me, and over the years I have continued to appreciate being able to remember him at local remembrance events, such as Christmas services, held by my local Sands group and through attending national Sands services. These have given me time to pause each year and remember my baby in a safe and supportive environment. 

The grief of losing a child never leaves you but as time passes you find a way to carry it with you. For me it remains very important to be able to remember Danny at special times, such as his birthday and Christmas, and we have always spoken about him with his siblings who came along later.  

We have a memorial for Danny, a tree that was planted in his honour which has a small plaque with his name and an inscription underneath it, that we have been able to visit for quiet reflection over the years too. We always knew that we wanted to move overseas so I didn't want a memorial that would require maintenance as I knew I would feel guilty when I couldn't visit it, so a tree works well for us as I know that it’s well cared for as part of the woodland project where it is.  

We also have special Christmas baubles with Danny's name that we hang on our tree at Christmas, and I have a number of tattoos for Danny, so I always have something to remember him by with me at all times. 

We moved overseas in 2018 and to Australia in 2021. It was hard leaving behind some of the special items that I have to remember Danny by, for example his memory box, but I decided to leave these in the UK until we had fully settled somewhere. In the future I plan on bringing all of these to Australia. 

It’s fantastic knowing that Sands are launching the first Say Their Name Day in the UK this year, following the Say Their Name Day that’s been running in Australia since 2019, organised by Sands’ sister charity, Red Nose Grief & Loss (Australia).  

I’ve already received a message from my dad (Danny's grandad) to say he’s received information about the UK day, has made a donation in Danny's memory and used the resource that Sands’ provided to write and share Danny's name. 

As Danny’s Mum, it’s important for me and other people to be able to say his name as a way of honouring him and keeping him a part of our family. In particular, it’s been important that Danny's siblings can talk about him and ask questions about him by name.  

Awareness days like Say Their Name Day are vital for bereaved families, especially in terms of helping people around them, like their family and friends, to understand how to support grieving parents. I know that for lots of grieving parents their experience is that because nobody knows what to say to them, they don't say anything at all. This just leaves bereaved parents feeling even more isolated, because even if your baby has died you still want to be able to talk about them like all new parents do.