Everything was going well. I was excited beyond measure for my sweet baby number four, my princess Medina. I was having regular check-ups for my blood pressure (all good) and regular scans due to gestational diabetes. A week before I was given the heartbreaking news, Medina was doing well. She had put on 1kg and was growing as any healthy baby would be. 

Then Monday 29th May I felt vigorous movements, and I simply said out aloud “she must be enjoying the food”. Little did I know they were her very last movements, movement I have never encountered before, maybe they were her goodbye movements. 

Hours later my heart and gut did not sit well with what I was feeling, something untoward had happened, I could feel it in my gut. I tried everything under the sun to make her move but nothing, just silence. Heartbreaking and heart wrenching silence. I called the Medical Assessment Unit (MAU) and was told to attend immediately. 

Upon arrival I was taken in almost immediately and looked after by the midwife manager. She softly strapped on the belts to find a heartbeat - silence yet again. They comforted me with words like “baby maybe in an awkward position.” This was my fourth child; I know heartbeats do not take that long to find. She then used a Doppler and yes again the damning silence deafened me.

As soon as the midwife left to find a room to take me into to scan the baby, I burst into tears into the comforting arms of my husband. I just knew my Medina was not with us anymore. I had to muster up the courage to walk through a room full of heavily pregnant mothers - that was the most unforgettable and uncomfortable walk of my life. 

I eventually got to the room, secluded from the outside world, and it was time to see Medina through the scan. The doctor carried out the scan, and I immediately fixated my eyes on my baby’s precious, soft heart, I couldn’t see it moving. The doctor then said “there is the baby’s head, baby’s chest and baby’s legs, and unfortunately there is no heartbeat. I’m sorry.” Those very words brought the world crashing down on me as my heart screamed in pain. That moment will stick with me forever as a painful moment. 

The journey for induction then started. I saw lips moving but I couldn’t hear anything. My shock overtook my sense to hear. I dreaded to think of the trauma that would come with delivering my princess Medina and not being able to hear her cry, or to gaze into her beautiful eyes, to see her smile and clasp my fingers with her velvety soft hands. I wouldn’t be able to take her home which left me broken. I had to think of so much, but my brain was blank from shock, I was mute for two days. Hugging my belly as much as I could to feel her warmth as that had been her sweet home for 34 weeks. 

Then she blessed me with her warm presence on the 2nd June at 3.16am. My sweet Medina was everything I expected yet more. Sweet red cheeks, small, featured face just like mine. This brought happiness to me as my three elder children all resemble their father. Then I broke down because she couldn’t cry or move her limbs. She was just fast asleep in her mother’s arms- my warm Medina. I can still smell and feel you. Rest in the heavily gardens until we reunite again.