Angela's daughter Caroline died following a Strep B infection. Angela has since had a healthy baby. She wrote this letter to Caroline when she was pregnant, and had added a PS since Gregory's birth.

Dear Caroline,

It is nine months since you left us, just six days old, in

May last year. Your father and I held you in our 

arms as we lay on our bed with the spring sunshine

streaming through the window and the birds singing.

We brought you home for your last few hours so that

you would know your home and see the nursery we had

prepared for you with the jolly animals on the walls and

the flowery curtains. Although our hearts were torn

apart we knew you had to leave us; we had already

accepted that all that we could offer you was a peaceful,

dignified death in the arms of your parents.

We were filled with joy, though, as we had the thrill of

holding you at last without anything between us- no

drips, tubes, monitors - no ventilator to help you

breathe. Eventually your breathing slowed down and

you slipped ever so peacefully away from us. We

bathed you gently and I could never have believed it

would be such an honour and joy to do so.

Now the winter is turning into Spring. I am desperate

for the first snowdrops to appear and the lambs to

return to the field behind our house. Yet I feel guilty at

wishing the months away, at you becoming a faded

memory. Still, I long for the summer. How can we

long so much for another baby when we have lost you?

I am expecting your little brother or sister in June, my

tummy is expanding at an alarming rate and I am back

into the world of hospital visits and scans. It is a sea of

emotions this time ranging from guilt and sadness to

hope or just downright fear. I sailed through my first

two pregnancies and never knew it could be like this.

Every cheery congratulations is painful - yes I should be

happy but I am so frightened at the outcome for the

baby and myself.

So we hope and pray you will become a big sister in the

summer and our eldest child, Oliver, will have another

brother or sister too. Yet you should be more than just

a memory, a story, some photographs. You should be

here too, playing with Oliver and looking forward to the

new arrival with us. Where we find the courage to plan

ahead I do not know; if we thought too deeply about

this next time maybe it would never have happened -

we always wanted a large family anyway and we just

went for it. We knew it was never to replace you, little

one, whatever others may think.

With each scan and checkup I grow confident the

pregnancy will last but what awaits us at the end - joy or

grief? A Christening or a funeral to plan? Without the

friends and family who have been there for us, the

midwife who never lets us down and the SANDS

meetings we would not make it. We can only hope for a

happy ending this time - we have learned that every

birth is a blessing whatever the outcome. We cherished

you for six days and we would not be without those

precious memories.

Love always, your mummy

Angela

February 2001