This Baby Loss Awareness Week, Katie shares how her pregnancy with her first baby Wren in 2019 was wonderfully smooth but sadly Katie had a stillbirth at 41 weeks pregnant. Katie and her husband were introduced to Sands and a Sands memory box meant they could leave the hospital holding something of Wren. Katie also shares how the Sands online community helped her through her darkest days including decision making around Wren’s funeral. She has since gone on to offer advice and support to other bereaved mums within the online community. Katie went on to fundraise for Sands making Christmas cards and prints which raised over £3,000. A talented author and illustrator, Katie has also written a book celebrating Wren called ‘Beyond’. ‘Beyond’ is the story of a bereaved mother penguin and the journey she goes on and has been published by Puffin. Katie’s hope is that families who have been through baby loss can use her book to start the conversation about the babies that can’t stay, and that bereaved parents see some of themselves in the book. 

Please be aware that Katie has chosen to share a picture of baby Wren’s hand and a picture of her pregnancy bump with her story. 

"I was pregnant with Wren, our first baby, in 2019. I had a wonderful smooth pregnancy. It was one of the happiest years of my life, and we were so excited to become parents. Sadly, Wren was stillborn at 41 weeks, weighing 7lbs 14, with the sweetest little face, delicate hands and soft dark hair. 

After the consultant told us there was no heartbeat, we were taken to the bereavement suite at the hospital. Our bereavement midwife then handed us Sands, that’s how it felt, to say this will help you. And it really did. It was an information pack with all we needed for the next steps, plus literature to support our parents and family members. 

The bereavement midwives were so gentle with our family. They held Wren, complimented her, took photos for us, and treated her like the much-loved daughter she was. All their love and care was beautiful, and I know they’d had Sands training as they spoke about it. 

The Sands memory box helped us so much too, having castings of Wren’s hands and feet, the lock of her hair, lots of little things that we still look at now and always will. And leaving the hospital holding something of her meant everything to me and my husband. 

Once we came home, I would log on to the Sands community every day or so, as it made me feel less alone. 

The Sands community helped me on my darkest days, and through decision making that was incredibly difficult, particularly around Wren’s funeral. I’d never planned a funeral before, and now I was planning my baby daughter’s. Nobody ever thinks they will be in that position, and hearing from other bereaved mothers about what they had planned was incredibly helpful. It gave me the support I needed, to choose how we wanted to show our love for her on that day. Later on, I then offered advice and support to other bereaved mothers on the online community who were in the first few months of loss. 

At that time, I wanted to thank Sands for all they had done for us, and so we fundraised on JustGiving. We shared our story, and I made hand-finished Christmas cards and prints, and we raised over £3,000. We were so aware how much harder our entire hospital experience would've been without Sands. 

My friends and family did so many gorgeous things that helped my healing as well. From sending home-cooked food, to care packages, playlists, poetry, days out, the list goes on and on. Every year on Wren’s birthday I have friends who still get in touch. I don’t expect them to remember but it's so lovely that they do. 

Losing Wren changed how I see the world. 

All the dials were turned up. I learnt that even in the most incredibly hard times, life can have beautiful moments. I feel more deeply now, I see the beauty in more things, I feel more empathy. 

After we lost Wren I had lots of regular counselling, the best thing I did, and it taught me a lot including how much better I feel when we celebrate Wren in our lives. 

This helps me in my grief so much, and making my book ‘Beyond’ has been a huge part of this. Just after we lost Wren, I started to have a story appear in my mind about a mother penguin. I thought it was part of my grieving process so I started to draw it out. It felt like I was unlocking something, trying to get down on paper all that I’d been through. Creating the book felt like sharing the deepest part of myself and painting all that pure love onto the page. Making something for Wren felt so joyful, and working on the artwork really reignited something in me, it returned my love of book making. 

When I wrote ‘Beyond’ it was for Wren and it was our story, but as I got further into making it, I realised it could also help me explain about losing Wren to her younger sisters. We’ve always wanted the girls to grow up knowing about their big sister. Wren isn’t a sad thing that happened, Wren is our beautiful daughter, and she will always be part of our family. 

‘Beyond’ is the story of a bereaved mother penguin and the journey she goes on. And if it had stopped there and just been a story for us as a family, that would have been enough. But for it to have been published so beautifully by Puffin and sent out into the world has been a dream come true. My hope is that families who have been through baby loss can use this book to start the conversation about the babies that can’t stay. Many readers have described how seen they’ve felt by it and how its stayed with them. All I hope for is that bereaved parents see some of themselves in the book too. 

As well as my book for Wren, my husband made little wrens in linocut and stamped them across the nursery ceiling for her. We planted white roses with a gorgeous lemon scent, which bloom and delight us every year. We take our daughters for a special day out on Wren’s birthday, and we go to the beach on Christmas morning to see the sunrise for her. Giving space for our grief, acts of service and remembrance has hugely helped us. 

I wish more people would enter into conversation about Wren though. 

An open discussion is very important, and I’m always happy to talk about Wren. Grief isn’t a subject to be avoided; it’s a part of all our lives. Behind grief sits love, and who doesn’t want to talk, and celebrate and remember that? 

When people talk about miscarriages or stillbirth, they often think of the mother, and it is as though the baby wasn’t real. That the baby can simply be ‘replaced’ by becoming pregnant again but I’m afraid this is not the case for bereaved parents. I can’t speak for all bereaved mothers, but when I think of the first time we saw Wren and held her, and the room turned colour again, it was the most real experience of my life. She was my first baby; she made me a mother. Because she wasn’t just a baby, she was Wren. I’d love for the world to know this one thing, that just because you didn’t hold the baby, it doesn’t mean they weren’t real. 

To other parents and families affected by pregnancy or baby loss, please remember you are not alone. Reach out because it can be so comforting to talk to others who have been through the same.

After we lost Wren, I felt quite frightened of life, thinking what awful thing would happen next? The car stolen, the house burning down? It took a long time to feel safe again, and we need others to help us through that. To talk to us about what’s happened and how we are feeling. To see our pain and our love, we need others to say our babies’ names too. All a mother wants is to love her baby. I truly believe mothers need to share their babies, and we can’t heal in any way until we do."

To find out more about Katie's book 'Beyond' and where to buy it please visit the Beyond page on the Puffin website.