Cole and Abbie recently shared their journey from receiving the lovely news that they were expecting twins, to sadly being told that one of their babies had died during pregnancy. 

As they announce the birth of their surviving twin, Rowena Pailing, our Director of Bereavement Support, Community and Volunteering, writes about the complexities around twin loss and types of conversations and decisions that will be discussed around this.  

We’d like to congratulate Cole and Abbie and celebrate with them on the birth of their baby, Hugo. We would also like to remember their twin, who was lost at twelve weeks and will forever be in their hearts. 

A lot of us have been following Cole and Abbie’s fertility and pregnancy journey, through the highs and lows. For those who have had similar experiences, we understand that what they have shared may at times have been difficult. It can be hard to hear about a birth or a loss, perhaps especially when the circumstances closely mirror your own.

Everyone's grief is unique and there are so many different experiences across the Sands community. Even when there are similarities, there will be differences too: different people, different responses, different journeys which have led to this point. But there is so much that is shared.

Cole and Abbie do amazing work to offer others an insight into fertility journeys, pregnancy after loss, and twin loss to those who may not have had these experiences themselves. This has helped raise awareness and understanding in so many ways. It also gives us an opportunity to think about some of the particular issues which parents can face during pregnancy after loss and with the loss of a twin.

Pregnancy is often presented as a joyful time, and something to be celebrated, but for parents who have previously lost a baby, there may be a wide range of emotions. There can be a great sense of joy and excitement about now being pregnant with a much-wanted baby, but it is also very common to feel anxious or concerned.  

Milestones can be particularly significant, such as scans, or reaching the point during a pregnancy when a previous pregnancy ended. Parents may also be on ‘high alert’ throughout the pregnancy. Questions in parents’ minds may include:

• Am I ready to be pregnant again?  
• Is it betraying the memory of my baby?
• What if I lose this baby as well?
• Can I bond with them?

These are all normal feelings and questions to ask. It can help reduce anxiety to be able to talk them through with someone who is non-judgmental and who understands. Our Bereavement Support Team are here to listen if you need them.  

At Sands we can’t give medical advice, but we always recommend that anyone who is pregnant and has concerns talks to the medical professionals responsible for their care.

When a twin or multiple is lost during pregnancy, at or shortly after birth, there may also be complex or conflicting emotions for parents. What happens physically during pregnancy will be different depending on when a twin is lost, but emotionally parents may find themselves moving between being happy and protective of the surviving twin, at the same time as grieving for their sibling.  

We know that with support parents find ways of managing these different emotions, but also that the tension never goes away. Milestones for the surviving twin can be bittersweet in the knowledge that another child could have been starting school, or turning 18, or beginning their first job.  

Whether a twin or multiple is stillborn or dies on the same day that their living sibling is born, or whether they were lost earlier in pregnancy, birthdays can also have that tension between celebration and memorial. It is important to be able to acknowledge this, and for parents and siblings to be able to talk about how they feel.  

For some families it can be helpful to have different moments set aside so that they can remember the twin who has died and also enable the surviving twin to celebrate without feeling guilty or overshadowed. The bonds between twins and multiples can be extremely strong, and yet each is also an individual, with their own needs, relationships, and impact on those who love them.

We are so grateful to Cole and Abbie for sharing their journey, for helping others to feel seen, and still others to understand. We wish them and their family all the very best.