In February 2020, Terry and his wife Joanna were excited, knowing that the birth of their precious baby boy Sebastian was imminent. When the couple arrived at the birthing centre, they were nervous, but mostly excited to meet Sebastian. 

“Losing him hadn’t even crossed my mind, even when a midwife said Sebastian had turned and finding his heartbeat had been made harder.

As a precaution the midwife called for an ambulance to take Joanna to the hospital. The ambulance sped off. I tried to keep up in the car behind, but it got away, and all I could do was watch the blue lights disappear away from me. 

On entering the delivery suite, there was a sense of uneasiness, as if something was wrong

It was only then that I started panicking. We were petrified. There were nurses and consultants running around, and all I could do was hold Joanna’s hand and hope. Then the consultant said it. “There’s no fetal heartbeat.” We were struck by terror and in absolute shock.

My head was spinning. I collapsed and hit the floor, and the midwife delivered my stillborn son. I’d cut the umbilical cord for my daughter, but I’d never thought in a million years I’d have to do it for my stillborn boy.

The midwife asked us if we wanted to hold him, but neither of us could do it. Neither of wanted to hold our quiet and still child, and that’s something I still regret to this day. 

It took around two hours before I gained the courage to hold him, clean him and then dress him. The silence was deafening, this was something that we both couldn’t bear, especially as we could hear newborns crying from the adjacent ward.

Later, a chaplain and bereavement midwife came to visit us and shared some information about Sands

Once we were home, we were desperate for help. Telling our daughter, Seb’s big sister, that her baby brother wasn’t coming home was soul destroying for all of us. Her face when we told will always break my heart, so we reached out.

Sands gave us so much support. I received calls from and called my Befriender on regular occasions to rant, cry and ask for advice.

Even now, a year later, we both know that we can call on Sands if we need them. Sadly, we have seen first-hand the amazing work Sands does for grieving parents, which is why I am so proud to now fundraise for Sands. 

And to my son Sebastian - I think of you every minute of every day and I know how lucky I am to be your dad. You'll always be in my heart my beautiful baby boy. Although everything has changed, oddly nothing has changed, my love for you is never ending and will grow each day."