How can you apologise to someone who never really existed

Only seventeen and a half weeks of life that legally doesn’t count

No death certificate recorded because no live birth occurred

But the birth was real. His skin was real. My boy was real



I don’t need to close my eyes to remember his tiny body

His little legs and the way I could see bones through his skin

I wish now that I had looked at his face but I can’t picture it

I have a dark eye area in my mind but no facial features



I know his size perfectly; he was the size of my hand

From wrist all the way up to finger tips

I put him away too soon. I want to go back and linger

To hold him to my aching breast



I need to tell him that I love him

That I am so sorry I couldn’t give him life

I ache to have known him

His presence is invisible but it’s tattooed on my soul