Nicole shares how in April 2014 during her 20 week scan she learnt her baby boy Olly only had half a heart chamber and made the devastating decision to have a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) because she didn't want Olly to suffer. In July 2017 she conceived again, but at her 12 week scan her baby was diagnosed with Edwards syndrome, leading Nicole to make the difficult decision again to have a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) because she didn't want to put her second child through suffering. 

Please be aware that Nicole has chosen to share scan pictures of her sons alongside her story.

My name is Nicole, and I’m 32 years old. I’m finally able to share my story after a long, painful time of grieving and not getting the right help until recently. It’s taken me years to find the strength to talk about this, and I hope people can read it with kindness.

I have always been strongly against abortion unless it’s for medical reasons or situations like rape. Even though my first pregnancy happened after only one time with someone. I was on the pill, and I didn’t end it for that reason. Back in November 2013, I fell pregnant at 19. I found out just after my 20th birthday. I had gone to Glasgow for an operation on my foot and that’s when they told me I couldn’t have it because I was pregnant. It was a shock. I had only just started speaking to the boy, and we’d only slept together once but I was excited because I always wanted to be a mum. He didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby, but I continued with the pregnancy.

At my 20 week scan on the 2nd of April 2014, they told me something was wrong with his heart. I went to another hospital the next day for a clearer scan, and that’s when they told me he only had half a heart chamber instead of four. My pregnancy became high‑risk, and they said he might not survive, even with surgery after birth. They gave me two options: continue or terminate. After a couple of days, me and my mum phoned with my decision. I chose to terminate, not because I didn’t want him but because I didn’t want him to suffer and I didn’t think I could cope with bonding even more only for him to pass away. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about him. His name was Olly, and I still have his tiny footprints.

In July 2017 I conceived again with a new partner. The baby would have been due on the 8th of April 2018 two days after my granny’s birthday and two days before Olly’s anniversary. At the 12 week scan on the 28th of September 2017, they said something was wrong again and sent us to another hospital. I had to get a large needle into my belly to take a sample of the fluid around the baby. Waiting for the results was torture. About a week later, they told me the baby had Edwards syndrome — full Trisomy 18 where every cell is affected. They gave me the choice to continue or terminate. I chose to terminate because the baby wouldn’t have had quality of life. Most babies with Edwards syndrome don’t live past their first birthday. Only around 5% to 13% reach adulthood. I personally don’t believe in putting a child through that level of suffering. 

I asked if they could tell me the gender, but it was too early. They did a post‑mortem, and it showed he was also a boy. He had a horseshoe‑shaped kidney, which is common with Edwards syndrome. They couldn’t get his hands or feet because he was curled up. I don’t feel as close to him as I do to Olly, and it’s horrible to say, but I still grieve him just in a different way.