I still remember the excitement I felt when the pregnancy test indicated positive. At the same time my 4 other friends also found out that they were pregnant. We planned to have a big baby shower together to welcome our bundles of joy. We shopped together and talked about how our babies will be playing together.

One Monday morning I woke up swollen and went to the doctor not knowing what's going on. The doctor told me that I have pre-eclampsia and he cannot guarantee my baby and my life. I remember thinking but I never felt any pain and this has been a very easy pregnancy. The baby is too young I said not knowing anything about neonatal ICU. I had a caesarean birth at 24 weeks and Stephen was born on the 14 Dec 2014. My husband told me that he is ok and the baby has no complications whatsoever. I was taken to go and see him, I cried so much when I saw this tiny human being with tubes all over. He was my miracle baby. From that moment I felt a warm feeling that I'm now a mother.

Couple of days later, Stephen knew our voices because whenever we were around he would attempt to open his eyes and turn his head towards us. It was amazing.  Then on the 1st January 2015, the neonatalist told us that our son has developed an infection. It was heart breaking to see him sedated because he used to move around a lot. He got over the infection and he was fine again, that brought us so much hope. The morning of the 9th January, I remember washing dishes and thinking that my father passed 3 yrs ago. In the afternoon I went to NICU and I held my boy (kangaroo) and my husband sitting next to me. Around 3:30pm the nurse noticed that he is no longer breathing and I was busy singing to him. He held him for at least 45min until the doctor came to tell us that he is gone. I have never seen my husband so distraught, he cried so much and I just sat there numb. I changed the baby nappy and I walked out. When I got home my breasts were full then it hit me that I didn't need to express anymore, I cried an inconsolable cry. At the funeral I kept thinking of the Lazarus of the bible who was risen from the dead. Somehow I thought the same will happen to my boy but he never woke up, I insisted that we re-open the coffin to check him. It was hard going back to work and my friends are still pregnant preparing for their maternity leave.

My friends’ kids are now a constant reminder of my Stephen and that I left the hospital empty handed. I left his room untouched for the days that I feel I need to be close to him. It is 2 years today but the pain is still there and detailed memories of each day of his life. I look at my friends kids and imagine that mine would have been doing similar things. The pain of losing a child cannot be explained only experienced. No matter the pain I still trust in God. For comfort I listen to this song: When God has another plan by Greenes.