Katie shares how after several years of trying to conceive, her beautiful daughter Althea arrived amidst the 2020 pandemic but the following day Althea died, from SIDs apparently, but nobody really knows why. She shares how for her and her husband having their daughter and the future they had mapped out ripped away from them in such an unexpected way absolutely destroyed their souls, their mental health, their ability to get up and go. They didn’t leave the house for three weeks and when they did, triggers were everywhere. Katie had four months away from the business she and her husband run, but her husband went back much sooner so that their business didn’t crumble into the ground. She shares how she spent a lot of time on Sands forums immediately after Althea died and found it immensely helpful to connect with others going through a similar journey. Six years on some days are still very heavy. Katie and her husband have gone on to welcome two more beautiful children, but Katie will carry the pain of losing Althea until her last breath. 

Please be aware that Katie has chosen to share a picture of her daughter Althea with her story. 

I wouldn't be here today without the time I needed to grieve my daughter.

After several years of trying to conceive, our beautiful daughter, Althea, arrived amidst the 2020 pandemic. I had been blessed with a smooth sailing pregnancy and a magical natural water birth. Knackering, but wonderful. The following day, Althea died. Just died. Nobody knows why, SIDS apparently, although I believe that’s just what the coroner says when they don’t know. “A hint of an infection” was another phrase that was used but not investigated. That haunts you, the not knowing. Wondering what you could have done differently. Wondering if I should have pushed for more answers. But I was too heavy with sadness. I was lost. 

From the moment you find out you’re pregnant, you’ve mapped out your entire future. To have that ripped away from us in such an unexpected way absolutely destroyed our souls, our mental health, the ability to get up and go. To carry on with normal daily tasks was impossible, not just difficult, impossible. My husband and I didn’t leave the house for at least three weeks. When we did, the triggers were everywhere: bouncing babies, pregnant women, toy shops, not to mention the people you’d bump into who expected you to have your baby. You shouldn’t be scared to tell them what happened, but you are. You don’t want to make THEM feel awkward. 

My husband and I run our own business, which the lockdowns had hit pretty hard. Despite losing all of our savings during this time, trying to keep afloat whilst our business was closed, the murky silver lining was that it allowed us the time to grieve in peace. We had nothing to rush back for. I ended up having four months away, my husband went back much sooner so that our business didn’t crumble into the ground. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I’d have to go back to work after a couple of weeks. I can categorically say I wouldn’t have survived. 

Some days are still very heavy, and six years on I’ve started to see a therapist after struggling with PTSD. We have gone on to welcome two more beautiful children into the world. I could lie and say they fixed me, or they’ve been a beacon of light in my darkest days, but that wouldn’t be the truth. On my darkest days, I want to be alone. I want to cry and scream. I want to write to Althea. What they have given me is purpose, a reason to carry on. I love all of my children deeply, but I will carry the pain of losing Althea until my last breath. 

I spent a lot of time on the Sands forums immediately after Althea died and I found it immensely helpful to connect with others going through a similar journey. 

I also had six weeks of phone therapy with Cedar Tree in Worcester, who are a baby loss charity. The charity is great, but I’m not suited to phone therapy. 

I’m now a few months into therapy with a psychiatrist from a birth trauma and loss NHS team which is helping me immensely. This team is new and appeared at just the right time for me after going through a particularly rocky patch mentally.