I was so happy when I fell pregnant with you, you were such a surprise for us. Our miracle baby. I was so convinced I'd never be able to have children due to PCOS and seeing those two lines in front of me changed our lives forever.
We had a tough time me and you didn't we? Morning sickness plagued me from 6 weeks through to the day you were born but my goodness when you wriggled and tickled my tummy the love I felt for you made every second worth it.
Aside from the sickness, everything seemed to be going so wonderfully until your 20 week scan. We were told that your little organs were growing perfectly and everything looked great, except you were a bit on the small side of 'average'. Well, average is in there so that must be okay right? Then my blood pressure shot up... and the hospital kept me in day after day monitoring and feeding me pills to keep it controlled but nothing was working. We started having growth and Doppler scans at 22 weeks and that was when our life crumbled... my placenta was failing and you were not being fed enough. We carried on with our scans and I stopped working, I was on strict bed rest, high protein diet and laying on my side to give you the best chance we could.
At 24 weeks we were given steroids and referred to Addenbrooke’s to see what they could do to help. We drove to Cambridge and Daddy and Nanny held my hand as the consultant scanned my tummy. I knew straight away there was something wrong. Your little heart wasn't flickering, I'd only seen it yesterday how could that be true? I begged her to try again and wiggled around desperately trying to wake you. The lady squeezed my hand and led me to a family room as I screamed in anguish.
Daddy had to drive us back to our own hospital where we waited to speak to our doctors. It was Christmas Eve and they asked whether I'd like to delay things so as not to ruin Christmas forever. How could anything ever be the same again I thought? Just let me see my boy. So I was given the tablets to get things going and sent home to have Christmas Day with daddy and nanny and auntie Claire. At 8pm we packed our bags and went to the hospital to our special suite for angel babies. 10:59am Boxing Day 2016 my sweet baby was placed in my arms and me and daddy cried for you and held you close.
We stayed with you for 3 days before we decided it was time to go. My heart ached to leave you on your own and I asked the kind nurse to stay with you so you weren't lonely. I popped your 4Louis teddy in next to you, kissed your sweet smelling little face and went home. I will never ever do anything that difficult ever again I just know it. No mother should ever experience what so many of us have had to go through but I know that so many of us do. Sands Forum was my lifeline for so many weeks and months after and I have made some great friends with other angel mummies. I hope you're up there having an amazing play date baby O. We miss you every day.