I can't even find the words to express the hurt I am feeling right now trying to tell my story of losing my son. But I think writing it into words can help me try and come to terms with it and maybe I can feel a sense of relief.
After a busy day wearing out my toddler at a children's play area trying to carry my heavy 38 week bump up the soft play equipment and climb through the tunnels I returned home to notice my baby not moving which was so unlike him because he was such a little fidget usually. I told my partner and he told me to stop worrying and try and sleep so that's what I did, but as I lay in bed all I wanted was to feel the slightest kick to make me feel at ease and get to sleep.
I lay there for what seemed like hours next to my sleeping fiancé while my daughter was fast asleep In her room also. I tried to drink cold glasses of water and got back into bed and waited for any slight movement but there was nothing - I just felt empty and my gut was telling me there was something wrong.
I got out of bed and got dressed leaving my partner and daughter in bed and I drove myself to the hospital. As I got there I told the midwife I hadn't felt my baby moving and she tried to find his heart beat with a fetal Doppler. I knew by the look on her face something was wrong and she told me she had to leave the room to get another midwife. Two midwifes came back into the room with a scanning machine and I watched my baby on the screen waiting to see that little flicker but there was nothing.
The words I heard next will stay with me forever - "I'm so sorry". I felt my heart break inside of me and I couldn't even remember how to breathe. I never in my life thought that something so awful could happen to me and all I wanted was to wake up in bed next to my partner and for this all to be a horrible, horrible dream. After my partner not answering his phone for what seemed like hours the midwife finally got hold of him and told him what had happened over the phone. I couldn't bear to hear the words come out of her mouth.
I was induced and I gave birth to my beautiful sleeping baby boy on Sunday the 6th December 2015. We named him Jude and he was truly the most beautiful baby boy. He was so perfect and he looked so normal that it was so hard to believe he wasn't just asleep and about to open his eyes any minute. I sat staring at his face waiting for any slight movement I just needed him to wake up I needed him to open his eyes so he could just see me and how much I needed him with me.
My partner and I spent three days with our baby Jude, I dressed him and lay with him for hours, touching and ticking his little face and stroking his soft hair. It's been just over two weeks and I feel my heart breaking every day. I miss him more than anything and I would give anything to hold him in my arms again. His crib is still in our bedroom and that's where I will keep it for the time being. I can't bear to let go.
I have never felt such pain in my life; to say goodbye to my son and walk out of that hospital without my baby who I had longed for for nine months. Ten days before we expected him to enter the world my whole universe was taken away before I even had the chance to be his mummy. I can't even remember what it's like to feel normal as I feel so numb. Nobody can say the right words to make this feeling go away and although my partner has been the most amazing supportive person in the world I still believe that I am hurting so much more after the bond I already had with him carrying him for nine long months.
I fell in love with him instantly and for someone to come and take that from you is truly devastating. I can't bear the thought of him being alone without his mummy. I need him just as much as he needs me and not being able to have that is killing me every minute of the day.
Rest In peace my darling baby boy I will love you until eternity. "I would have given my last breath - just to have seen you take your first."