11 years ago just NYE passed, myself and my now husband found out we were pregnant.
We were so happy because we'd always wanted more kids after having our first in 2006.
A couple of weeks passed and I started having horrendous stomach cramps and bleeding. I went to the hospital as my drs were closed and was told by an a&e doctor I've probably had a miscarriage.
Leaving with no scan done I felt empty and confused. As it was the weekend I couldn't do much so I carried on, and went back to the drs.
As it was I hadn't had a miscarriage but the Dr wanted me to be careful and sent me for a scan. I was around 11 weeks. A few weeks later I had a late scan as I already had a scan previously and the lady noticed my umbilical cord only had 2 not 3 blood vessels.
She booked me for a scan with the consultant for the following week so we could have a detailed scan. That day came and my consultant told us my baby had a mid line cleft palate which indicated that something wasn't right.
He advised a amniocentesis, which could give some answers to the million questions that were now going through my head. We had to wait a few days for the results but the shocking thing to us was that it was all clear!
But my consultant still wasn't happy and wanted us to have more scans and tests. That's when I was sent to Bristol to see a professor, and have a fetal MRI. This is when out world came crashing down.
After the scan and tests we saw a peads Dr and I can only describe what was a mini book on his table. It detailed everything wrong with our baby. He had Holoprosencephaly, a brain defect where the front left part of his brain hadn't developed.
Our baby also had heart defects no right kidney an enlarged left kidney. He would constantly have seizures and would never walk talk or feed normally and would be tube fed. They also told us his throat would not develop correctly because of the defects and would need constant suctioning.
Hearing all these things my heart shattered and my world fell apart. The consultant explained to us that I could carry on but my baby would not survive outside the womb, or I could make a decision to have what they call a feticide. We went home with all the Information and decided it was just unfair for our baby who we named Hayden.
A week later we were booked in and lying on the bed and the feticide happened my heart broke and my world changed forever. 2 days later Hayden was born and to look at him apart from his cleft palate he was perfect. Weighing 2lb.
We spent time with him in the bereavement unit and did what mums do, I bathed him clothed him even popped a little plaster on the needle mark where they'd stopped his heart. It might sound strange but it felt right. But yet 11 years later doubts still creep into my head of what if, did I do the right thing? Maybe they were wrong. I never choose to have an autopsy be cause I didn't want him to be put through anymore. He's been through so much already. But after 11 years I thought I would be better, less full of guilt but I still sit by his grave sobbing because I feel I didn't do enough.
I never had counselling after or a lot of help just left to myself, which I think is a massive contributor to why I still struggle so badly.