Please be aware Jayesh has chosen to share photos of baby Tia's hands and feet with his story.
My wife’s pregnancy was normal and when she reached term, we were not worried that baby had not arrived and the midwife was checking to make sure everything was okay. We were told after two weeks they would induce her after going through some steps to help the baby come naturally.
The day before we found out we lost the baby I remember my wife and I went out for something to eat, and everything was normal. She’d had a midwife appointment in the morning which I had taken time off to go with her. Everything was normal that night too. My wife felt a little pain but nothing abnormal, but when we went to our next midwife appointment, she did a scan and couldn’t hear a heartbeat. She said sometimes machines could do this and asked us to go to the hospital to check. At this point we were not concerned as we felt everything was fine but when we got to the hospital, she was scanned again by two doctors, and we were advised that we had lost the baby. Both of us could not stop crying and unfortunately it got worse as we were told that my wife would have to deliver the baby and would need to be induced. It took a day and half for the baby to eventually come out and was one the hardest things for my wife to do.
Sands were on hands after to support us as we were given three days to spend with the baby and all our family got to meet our baby girl
While we were off my wife kept crying and talking about what had happened and if there was anything we could have done to prevent it. The doctors told us it was suspected pre-eclampsia but all we could think is if they had induced my wife on her due date everything would have been fine. We kept talking through this and know now there is nothing we could have done differently.
When we buried our baby girl, it was difficult carrying her small pink coffin in the hearse, picking out the plot and getting the death certificate. I remember when we were in the hospital we put different dresses on her, but when it came to her funeral, we could not bring ourselves to dress her. Fortunately, the undertaker supported us through this.
Subsequent to our baby girl Tia we have had two beautiful boys
Both pregnancies were difficult and we were concerned what would happen throughout. While she was pregnant with my first boy my wife got gestational diabetes but the consultant helped us deliver a healthy baby.
Our second boy was even more traumatic with us being on edge throughout, but we had the same consultant supporting us through the pregnancy. My wife’s waters broke at 10 - 12 weeks and she had 0.01% fluid all through the pregnancy. Throughout, all the doctors were telling us to abort as the baby would have severe problems but luckily our consultant let us make the decision. At 29 weeks my wife got sepsis on Boxing Day as she was due to go into work, and they had to do an emergency C-section to take my boy out. He wasn’t breathing when he was born and needed support for months but is thankfully fine now. My wife took a week to recover from the sepsis but the resilience we had been given from the loss of our first child got us through it. We both decided however this baby arrives we would be able to care for him together; we did not want to lose him.
Although we now have two beautiful boys we still miss our daughter but we count our blessings for what we have and visit our daughters grave regularly and our boys know who their big sister is.
When we lost Tia at term plus nine days the whole of my team and NatWest Bank really supported me through the process
And the bank not only provided counselling for me but also my wife too. My wife was not offered anything close to the support I was given.
When I initially called my manager they advised me to take as much time as I needed. My paternity leave would start straight away and then it would be sick leave. They gave me a telephone number for employee assistance which was a counselling service that I could contact when I was ready. The counsellor was great as he gave me tips about how to deal with the loss and pointed out I may do rash things which I did for the first six month like painting my bathroom green (my wife was not happy about this one).
My work colleagues were all very upset too as I had been talking about the birth of my first child for a long time. They started a collection for me to put towards the funeral cost which was kind of them.
On returning to work I was offered a phased back return, and all of my colleagues were fully supportive. It was a little strange going back as I felt like others were looking at me, but I was not rushed to go back and when I did, it was the right time for me. It was great that I was given a buddy to speak to and they helped me transition back to work. In some ways I was grieving for the loss of my child, but I felt guilty I had taken all this time off sick. It is very different now with the parental leave scheme but at the time the bank did everything that they could to support me. It’s strange looking back at the things I was concerned about when I went off sick. My contract was a rolling 12 months so I worried I would get in trouble. At no stage did this happen but it was always something I was aware of.
I am so grateful for the support I was given by NatWest Bank as it helped me to handle the loss
They gave me time to grieve and when I went back to work, my manager even put me in touch with others that had gone through a similar situation which helped me. A colleague had gone through something similar, and I didn’t know them at the time, but they took the time to speak to me and my wife about what had happened to them. Their wife even spoke to my wife about it.
To others going through baby loss, I’d say take the time to grieve and keep speaking to your partner, family and friends. The loss does not go away but you find ways to make your baby part of the family.
