The weeks and months were hard after the funeral. Life was complicated and I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I lost a piece of me – my Harrison, my beautiful boy.
I ran away from it most of the time. I’d do anything and everything to distract me from thinking about what had happened. I build a fort around me, my guard, my shield, my mask and I carried on.
Little things would trigger a bad day – I’d see a new born and ache, a pregnancy announcement would kick me in the stomach, a story or a headline in the media would resonate, the Facebook posts of “perfect little lives” would sit heavy on my heart.
The question still as poignant as ever – WHY ME?
One of the hard things…Maternity leave with no baby? I was off work, on maternity leave but empty handed. I returned to work just 3 months after losing Harrison, big mistake! It was way too soon and the seemingly irrelevant pressures got to me. I lasted 2 months and I was off again with depression and grief. You need time and you need to process and look after yourself. I didn’t. I tried counselling but it was too soon and I didn’t connect with the counsellor so I stopped going. I was in and out of my job for a few months working out my head.
The months whizzed by and it was hard – constant reminders still there and grief still raw. Birthdays, anniversaries, key dates – they were hard and I coped in my own way. Brave front to the world, shattered behind closed doors. The words “ I’m fine thanks” were standard for many questions, the mask was on and the truth wasn’t revealed – that worked, right? No…It’s all inside and it eats you up.
It wasn’t until 2014 that I got “proper help” by proper help, that was a good counsellor that I connected with and that I was ready.
People say counselling doesn’t work. It does work but it’s dependant on 2 things – the first and main one – you have got to be ready, able and willing to work on the issues and 2, finding the right person to work with. I went through 3 people and almost gave up on it until I found Liz. She was amazing and I owe a lot to her. Our connection was so strong, we both cried and hugged when I finished my time with her.
So what changes…you get over? No, you never get over losing a child. You learn to live with it. With each year that passes, it gets easier. There are no rules, no right, no wrong, no time frames, it’s an individual journey. There are still the reminders, the milestones your baby never reached but you cope, you learn to live with it and if like me, you turn it into something positive.
Here are a few of my highlights…
-I’ve made a wonderful friend who lost her beautiful girl and she got me through a lot
-I’ve done things I would have never done – A Sky dive being one of them!
-I’ve raised money for SANDS
-I was part of a wonderful group who set up Sheffield Sands and are helping so many
A big thing… I’ve learned a lot. I have enough life experience to write a book! I’m strong, I’m resilient, I can do anything I put my mind to and I love and appreciate those who are special to me. I’m alive and I appreciate every day I have on this planet. I’m not wasting it.
So now…7 years on...Life is good, life is happy. I have a wonderful husband who has brought me through some very black and bleak times, I have an amazing family and some of the best friends anyone could ask for. And…a beautiful 27 month old daughter who amazes me every day. When she’s old enough she’ll know she has a (half) brother who lives in the stars.
The question still remains – Why me? I don’t know. I’ll never know, but what I do know is I’ll do my best to raise awareness, support those going through it, continue to raise money and one day, I truly hope the shocking figure of 15 babies a day, will no longer exist.
Much love x