19 babies lost. That’s how many I have lost. And I remember everyone.
Nothing can ever prepare you for the moment they utter the words "there is no heartbeat" or you see blood. But when you have to give birth to that baby, your heart literally tears in two. No cries to be heard. No wriggling baby as you try to fit on a baby grow. The joy of letting everyone know.
I remember mostly losing George. Going into premature labour at 23 weeks and 6 days. After 5 hours he was born in his sac. They whisked him away. I was left numb. Did that just happen? Maybe they were wrong?
They brought him back in, in his Moses basket, and laid him next to me. I just stared at him...the midwife very gently told me how George would be a miscarriage and not a stillborn, but I wasn't listening. I kept looking at him. Who was this baby?
Then. I broke. 3 months straight I cried every day. This was not the first time I lost a baby, and sadly wouldn't be my last…my tears have dried but my memories never fade.