Sarah* shares how she had her first miscarriage young then went on to have multiple miscarriages and twin losses. She had to deal with her losses on her own but now, years later, she’s getting counselling. She shares a close bond with her living kids and alongside loving them, she loves the babies she’s lost and looks up to the sky and talks to them as a way of coping. 

*To protect the privacy of those involved, all names have been changed. This story discusses domestic abuse and violence, so please take care while reading, and seek support if you need to.

"I was 16 when I had my first miscarriage - it broke me. Then out the blue I found out I was pregnant again. I was still 16 but two weeks later I turned 17. Everything went well until I nearly lost him. I had to stay in bed for a week, and I lost the twin of my son, but my son was born two weeks after my due date. My due date was 13th September 1983, but I had him on the 27^th September and was in labour for four hours and 20 minutes. 

When I went home things were still going great. When my son was one, I found out I was pregnant again, everything was going great with that pregnancy then out of the blue I miscarried again. As time went on, I fell pregnant again. I had morning sickness, but everything went alright. When my second son was born, he nearly died as he had his cord wrapped around his neck twice. The midwife had to remove him quickly, they saved my son, but I was bleeding really badly and nearly died too. 

The year after that I was pregnant again but lost it again. I then become pregnant again but had another miscarriage. After that I didn’t have a period for four months so I thought I was pregnant again. I was at the doctors with my mate, and the midwife was talking to her, then she looked at me and “you’re about to drop,” and I told her, “No, I’m only four months,” but the midwife said, “no you’re not.” She took me down to her office and checked me over and I found out I was actually seven months gone. I had been pregnant with twins; I’d lost one twin but carried on with my daughter. Everything went alright then when I was having my daughter she nearly died. Her heartbeat went really low and almost stopped but luckily, she was alright. 

About a year later I had another miscarriage, but two months later I fell pregnant again. To begin with I was bleeding but then it stopped and I went to full term again. Everything was alright with the rest of my pregnancy and birth. Once my daughter was born, a midwife said to me “do you want us to look after her while you get some sleep?" and I said “yes please,” but at 12am a midwife woke me up and told me “your baby is in the Special Care Unit (SCBU)” because they were feeding her a bottle when she went blue and stopped breathing. When I woke up in the morning, I got myself together and went down there to see my baby girl. The nurses gave her to me and told me that she had three holes in her heart. Hearing that I just broke down. She was back and forward to SCBU to have antibiotics put into her tube, but after nine days I came home with her, although we had to keep going back and forward to the hospital for aftercare appointments. When she was eight and half months old the holes closed up. The specialist said to me “what have you done?”  At the time I thought I’d hurt her, but I didn’t, they were just shocked they cleared up. All I did was love her and care for her like any mother would do. 

After about half a year I was pregnant again but had another loss. Then I got pregnant again and though I’d had a miscarriage, but I’d been pregnant with twins, and it turned out I was still pregnant but had lost one of the twins. All went well with that pregnancy until I started bleeding when I was 40 weeks and six days. I went into hospital where they kept prodding and poking me, and in the end, I had to have an emergency C-section. I passed out when my daughter was born and lost two and a half pints of blood - I nearly died. When I first came around, I thought that I’d died as no one was around, then the head of the midwife was at the bottom of my bed. She told me what had happened. I was on a drip and had a catheter then after few hours I went onto the ward. 

The following year I was pregnant again but had another miscarriage. 

And I was pregnant before the last one. My ex kneed me in my belly and I lost it. I was eight weeks gone. He was messing about and I told him to stop but he didn’t, and bang in my belly. I went to hospital and had a scan, I was still pregnant but you could see the bleed from the sac. A week later I woke up needing a wee, stood up and my waters broke. I got to the loo and the baby came out down the loo. I went looking for the baby but I couldn’t find it. To this day it still gets me. 

My last miscarriage was in 2016 and I thought I was pregnant in 2017 but I wasn’t, I went straight into menopause. That was just over eight years ago. It's not a very good story but it's mine.

I wish I’d never had all of those miscarriages, and I’ve had to deal with it all on my own. I’ve never had support or anyone there for me and I’ve always sat there and thought why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this? I was always helping people out and being there for them. Even now I’m there for my kids and others, even strangers, if they need help. I’m getting counselling now for all my past traumas, so I can hopefully sort my head out and deal with it better. 

I really feel for other mums, dads and families who experience loss too as it’s not a nice thing to go through. 

All I am is empty but I’ve got five kids and they are my world; we have a close bond. I love every single one of them the same. They all have autism, ADHD and more but I would never change them. They are all special to me. They are my rainbow babies. I love the babies I’ve lost too and will never stop. I look up in the sky and talk to them as that’s my way of coping. I do the same with loved ones that have gone. 

I hope they find a cure for miscarriage and other types of pregnancy and baby loss."

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, or are worried about someone you know, support is available. Contact Refuge on 0808 2000 247 or visit Refuge, the UK's largest specialist domestic abuse organisation for confidential advice and support.