When I heard I was going to become an aunty to Jacob I was excited

My oldest brother Joe already had a little girl so to hear that Jordan, one of my other brothers, was having a baby was super exciting, I thought another baby coming into the family would be amazing. Jordan had always wanted to be a dad. Our family is very big, so a lot of us want children to carry on the Mulligan name and legacy and to keep our family growing. 

When Jacob died, I was still at school, so my memories are quite vague, which still upsets me now, but I remember my mum got a phone call from Jordan telling her that Jacob had passed and how she immediately went to see him. Mum had a stillbirth with her first baby, my eldest brother Jason, so she explained what had happened to me and my siblings, but it wasn’t until I grew up that I really understood and spoke to Jordan about what happened. At the time, I think it was hushed away a bit, not like it was something bad, but just that this very sad thing has happened and let's not talk about it.

Jordan and I talk about Jacob all the time now, our whole family does

We bring up Jacob and Jason’s names a lot now which is nice. Jacob’s stillbirth probably brought our family closer together and we’re all able to talk about harder things with each other more openly. For example, mum’s been able to talk to us about Jason more openly because of what Jordan has gone through and to her own mum about losing Jason. She’s also tried to talk to her mum about her own experience of loss because my grandma’s first son was stillborn too. 

In the first few years after Jacob passed, I didn't say his name because I found it difficult to know what to say and I was worried I’d hurt Jordan or that he’d upset or angry, but I later found out that Jordan wanted Jacob to be part of conversations and he wanted us to say his name like we would if he was still alive. He didn't want his little boy to be hidden; he wanted to celebrate him. Knowing that helped because it made it easier to talk about Jacob openly which made Jordan happy too. 

As an aunty my grief has often felt quieter and less visible. I’ve grieved losing Jacob and for the future my brother had imagined

Watching someone you love experience the heartbreak of losing their baby is devastating. You want to take away their pain, but you can’t, you can’t fix the unfixable, all you can do is stand beside them, listen and let them know that they’re not alone. 

It can feel really hard to support someone close to you and knowing what to say and do felt like one of the hardest things for me. The biggest thing I learnt though was the importance of being present even without words. I remember Jordan much preferred someone to be sat with him saying nothing than to be alone.

Jordan’s also told me how much he appreciated it when people helped him practically by cooking or cleaning. After Jacob passed away, he wasn’t in the right mindset to physically do those things, so my mum used to go to his house, clean and then leave. He said that sort of thing was a big help.

If you want to support a bereaved parent, be present for them in whatever way they need 

Be willing to be there for someone, to sit with them and help them practically. You don’t need to make suggestions, just go at their pace and support them with whatever they need. 

Our family all found different ways to support Jordan

I’ve always tried to make sure that Jordan knows he can talk to me openly, without fear of judgement or needing to “be okay”. My other brother helped Jordan with his work after Jacob passed, and my mum spoke to him a lot because she understood what he was going through. It was really sad that mum went through a stillbirth, but she was such a help to Jordan because he felt like someone else had been through a similar loss and come out the other side, so he felt like he was going to be able to do that in time as well. 

Although I can't physically be an aunty to Jacob, supporting Jordan, talking about Jacob to Jordan and his brother Jude, and doing things like running with Jordan that we would have also done with Jacob is my way of being an aunty to him.

We still celebrate Jacob today

Every year we have a birthday party for him. We get balloons and a cake, and we also go to his grave to put numbered balloons out; he was 10 this year. 

It’s so important that people talk about pregnancy and baby loss because it’s a loss that is everywhere

When I was in the dentist recently, I overheard a lady telling the receptionist that her baby had just been stillborn and I messaged my sister to ask whether she thought I should say anything when the lady sat down. I didn't, and I regret that, but I was too scared to say something. I spoke to Jordan afterwards, and he said he wasn’t sure what he would have done in that situation himself, but it made me realise that loss is everywhere. 

Anyone anywhere could be going through pregnancy or baby loss so talking about it helps, because when we don't talk about it, if someone goes through it, they feel alone.

Sands had a huge impact on Jordan. As his sister, knowing that he had specialist support from people who truly understand baby loss meant a lot 

When people lose a baby, I think they can often feel alone and like there’s no one to help them, so knowing there’s support available, not just for bereaved parents but their wider family too, is really important. As a bereaved aunty, there’s been content on Sands social channels that I’ve resonated with. There was a story from a bereaved uncle that shared how he supported his sister and dealt with baby loss, and seeing that was helpful for me.

Running the London Marathon for Sands is my way of shining a light on the wider impact of baby loss, including on the family and friends who want to support someone

Sands supported my brother during one of the darkest periods of his life. Now I want to give something back, because support services like Sands are vital. I've done some of my training for the marathon with Jordan, and on my hardest training days I remind myself why I started this challenge. It’s been a huge motivator to know that I'm doing this not just for my family, but to help other families as well. It's a way of raising awareness so family or friends who know someone going through baby loss can tell them about Sands and the support that's available.

I’m excited to wear Jacob’s name on my running vest on race day to show that every mile I run is for my nephew, but I’m also running for Jordan and for my mum and grandma whose first-born sons were both stillborn too. For me this isn’t just a marathon; it’s a promise to keep talking about baby loss and to break the silence around it so that no other family feels they have to go through it alone.