Please be aware Patti has chosen to share pictures of her family including her other children Megan and Lewis with her story. 

This is the first time I have shared our story properly in 22 years. 

I think some people will think that after 22 years we would be over our loss and moved on but all the memories from this time I think has shaped our lives today and permanently affected us. 

Here is a snapshot of our story. 

On the 19th April 2004 I was 19 and my now husband, Terry, was 22 and we were in the 20th week of pregnancy with Kieran

I had a neat little bump and was looking forward to the future. My mum had just happened to say have you felt much movement and I was quiet and naive then and said no but I’m sure everything is okay. However, as my mum had experience of pregnancy, she booked a GP appointment as she had concerns. 

We attended the GP who said he could not identify a heartbeat but not to worry as Kieran could be back-to-back. He sent us to the local hospital for a check by a member of staff on the maternity unit, but when a doctor came, they said there was no one available to complete an ultrasound. They listened to my bump and told me to come back tomorrow morning. 

I went home and started saying to Terry everything is okay, I can feel him move now, trying to search for some hope. The next morning, I told Terry to stay home as I genuinely thought everything was fine. My mum and Terry's mum attended the ultrasound department with me, and we went into room four on a Tuesday for my scan. 

I still remember the professional completing the scan looking to me with that overprotective parent look. It made me feel a little silly, but as soon as she applied the probe she delivered the news that would change mine and Terry's life forever "I’m really sorry to tell you, there is no heartbeat." I felt all of a sudden like the room was closed in and said I wanted Terry. 

Everything then seemed to go quickly. We were whisked up to the ward where we told that as I was so far along I would need to deliver Kieran in a normal labour. I begged and cried please do not let me do that, but I was advised this was the option due to being 20 weeks, but it also helps the grieving process. 

We were then advised I needed scans, bloods and an amniocentesis as they thought Kieran may have Downs Syndrome from the previous scan. We had all the relevant tests and was advised I would need to take some medication and then go home and come back Friday. 

We went home and cried a million tears whilst rubbing my tummy for the last couple of days knowing that he had died and we would have to prepare for labour. 

We attended the hospital on Friday 23 April 2004, St George’s Day, and were given the Snowdrop room which was a room for bereaved parents to deliver with some extra services such as a kitchen and private bathroom for privacy

When we arrived there was a moses basket stored in the wardrobe which set us off immediately. The room itself was situated in the middle of two wards where mums and their new babies were, but this was so we had access to midwives and doctors if required. However, to get some air we had to walk past these wards seeing other parents joy and hearing the noise of babies crying. 

On that Friday morning, I was given more medication to bring my labour on. We had our mums and my aunty for support and the labour appeared straight forward. However, as the hours went by, I was passing quite a lot of blood which our family questioned and we were told it was all normal and part of the process. In the midst of all this, we were being asked to sign papers to allow research following delivery which we now understand is important to prevent this happening to others. 

After many hours I appeared to deteriorate and went into hypovalemic shock and was rushed to theatre to complete the delivery of Kieran who was born asleep. Terry had to struggle with everything and waited outside the theatre for me to come back. 

I was poorly post delivery and the doctors said the next few hours were important and that I needed close monitoring and a blood transfusion, but this would need to be done downstairs on the labour ward. 

Later in the night Terry stayed with me, and we were allowed to hold our tiny baby boy Kieran. He was beautiful, he had tiny little hands and feet. We were happy we got chance to hold him but completely heartbroken and we decided to have him blessed by a priest. We still remember as clear as day this priest shaking and upset completing the blessing. 

As we were in the process of my blood transfusion, trying to process everything that had happened, a member of staff entered our room unaware and stated, " are you the couple who just had twins?" Terry said no, we are the grieving couple. She could not apologise enough as she left the room. 

Following the transfusion, I began to improve and we were transferred back to the Snowdrop room, again between the two wards. We were told I could not go home as I was still poorly post birth so we stayed another five days. During that time, we began to prepare for Kieran’s funeral but all we could hear was the crying of babies which really affected our mental health. I really felt I was going mad and Terry was getting angry and upset trying to support me whilst also managing his own grief and he was told he was overreacting. 

As we were trying to process and cope, my husband’s brother and his wife were admitted to the same maternity unit for the birth of our nephew the very next day after Kieran came into the world

Our in-laws were situated in the bay next to the Snowdrop room, and as we were going to get air we saw them as we passed. This was really hard as we didn’t want them to feel bad for us. We stood outside for what felt like a lifetime, which in reality was just a few minutes, deciding whether to hold our nephew. We went back in and held him, again extremely difficult knowing we wouldn't get to take our own baby home. However, we were also so happy for our in-laws as we wouldn't wish our pain on anyone else and we were happy to know our nephew was healthy and safe. The situation was difficult for the whole family as they were over the moon for one brother having a healthy baby but at the same time mourning the loss of their other brothers first baby boy. 

Eventually we were allowed to go home from hospital to try to deal with our heartache and grief and finish planning Kieran’s funeral service. The funeral service followed in May and Terry carried our baby boy to his final resting place, memories we can never forget. 

We received Kieran’s post-mortem results after a few weeks, and I was advised I had a condition that affected my blood and would need medication in my future pregnancies. 

Me and Terry really struggled in our grief, and we couldn’t communicate at the time so we had a period of separation

Eventually we found our way back and we were lucky enough to then have our rainbow baby Lewis in October 2005 and our beautiful daughter Meggy, who was born on 22nd April 2008 which we think was a gift sent from Kieran to heal our pain and sadness at this time of year. 

This year is the 22nd anniversary of Kieran's birth and we still feel all the pain as if it was yesterday

We were so young ourselves and Kieran was our first baby. We had feelings of joy so quickly turned into heartache and I think all the events at that time have impacted our lives today and also impacted how we grieve which makes it so difficult even after all these years have passed. 

Our baby Kieran has taught us to become strong and value life, and he still deserves to be remembered. 

We never really accessed professional help throughout our journey, and we cannot stress enough to anyone affected by the loss of a baby how important it is to seek help, as after all these years we still have a hard time grieving. I think if we had accessed help we may have dealt with everything differently and it may have changed how we are today. 

We also believe it's so important to keep researching as this may prevent your story and pain becoming someone else's story and pain.