Whether you are planning to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah this year, or have already celebrated Diwali in October, we know that festivals such as these can be difficult for anyone who has been touched by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby. With so much focus on family, children and socialising, those living with loss can feel even more isolated and alone in their grief. Here at Sands, we want to reach out to anyone feeling this way over the festive period. You are not alone.
Sands Helpline Opening Hours
Call 0808 164 3332 (Freephone) or email helpline@sands.org.uk
- Wednesday 24 December (Christmas Eve) – 10am –12pm
- Thursday 25 Dec (Christmas Day) – Closed
- Friday 26 December (Boxing Day) – Closed
- Monday 29th, Tuesday 30th, Wednesday 31st December – 10am-12pm
- Thursday 1 January (New Year’s Day) – Closed
We reopen as normal from Friday 2 January (10-3pm Monday to Friday and 6-9pm Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings).
Be kind to yourself
There can be many demands on your time and energy over the festive season from friends, family and colleagues. Self-care and taking time to grieve or remember your baby in the way that feels right for you is important. This may mean opting out of social occasions, asking friends and family to rearrange visits or just spending time with those people are the most supportive.
Everyone grieves differently and some years will be harder than others for many different reasons. Sometimes within families, different ways of coping with feelings and grief have the potential to create tension. Try to be honest with yourself, your partner if you have one, and others about your needs. Be open to how the needs of others may different from yours. There is no right or wrong way to feel at this time of year or any other.
What can help?
Whether you choose to celebrate a festival in ways that you did before your baby died, make new traditions or bypass it altogether, there is no set way to get through the festive period. Not everyone will feel it is an option to step away completely, but listening to your own needs, which may change on a daily or hourly basis, is important when making plans or spending time with others.
Sands Ambassador, Genelle Aldred's Podcast
In this podcast episode Sands Ambassador Genelle Aldred, a journalist and communications advisor, draws on her personal experience to explore the complex emotions surrounding the holiday season, especially for those navigating grief and loss.
Sands Ambassador, Malin Andersson talks about Coping at Christmas
Ways to remember your baby this festive season
We asked the Sands community to share some ideas of what helps them cope over the festive season and remember their baby. Here are our top tips:
- Attend one of the many Winter Lights events happening across the UK.
- Order yourself a beautiful personalised candle from Next and help support our vital work.
- Put some time aside to remember your baby and prioritise your self-care with the Sands Wellbeing Box or Wellbeing Journal.
- Make or buy a special festive decoration in memory of your baby, maybe with their name on.
- Say your baby’s name out loud and talk about them to friends and family.
- Donate a gift for a child who is the same age that your child would be, perhaps to a refuge or children’s charity.
- Visit a special place – where your baby is buried, where their ashes are scattered, a memorial garden or favourite place for remembering them.
- Make a dedication on our Winter Wishes page.
- Write a seasonal greetings card to your baby and keep it in their Memory Box or stocking.
- Instead of sending greeting cards to others, make a donation in memory of your baby.
- Set up an Always Loved tribute page
Supporting others during the festive season
We have also put together some tips for anyone who wants to help a family member, friend or colleague in the lead up to the festive season. These practical, compassionate suggestions include ways to honour and remember much-loved and missed babies:
- Send a card to let them know you are thinking of them and their baby.
- Ask if there is anything practical you can do to help, e.g. cooking, driving, or looking after other children.
- Ask how they are. And tell them you are there for them.
- Message them regularly, even just saying hello.
- Ask if they want to talk about their baby. Use their baby’s name.
- Get them a thoughtful gift to show that you are thinking of them. That could be a beautiful candle created by Next in aid of Sands, the Sands Wellbeing Box or Wellbeing Journal. It will make a big difference.
- Offer to attend one of our Winter Lights events with them.
- Ask if you can write on their Always Loved tribute page, if they have one.
- Invite them to social events but say you understand if they don’t want to come, and you won’t be offended if they decide not to come at the last minute.
- Invite them for a walk, coffee, or film.
- Ask if they would like you to go with them if they are doing something they are anxious about, such as delivering cards to neighbours or attending a memorial event for the first time.
- Ask if it would be OK for you to donate to Sands in their baby’s name.
- Ask if it would be OK for you to donate to a charity in their baby’s name.
- Ask if you can write on their Always Loved tribute page, if they have one.
Support for children
If you have other children or grandchildren, you may feel it is important to create special memories for them. You may want to include them in activities to honour and remember your baby that has died, such as:
- Making a bauble or other decoration or ornament
- Hanging a stocking for their sibling on the fireplace
- Making a Christmas card
- Buying a gift to donate for a child the age of their sibling
- Visiting a special place
Children have different levels of understanding of death at different ages so they may have questions or thoughts that they have not shared with you before. Young children may be asked to take part in nativity plays at school or nursery which may bring up particular thoughts or emotions. It can be helpful to think about how to talk to children about your baby that has died and how you want to include their memory in family activities, if you choose to.
Take a look at our support for siblings resources
You don't have to face it alone
If you would like some additional support from Sands over the Christmas period, you can access it in the following ways:
Winter Lights
Sands volunteers organise support and remembrance events to provide peace and comfort to parents, siblings and anyone else affected by pregnancy or baby loss. Winter Lights events are an opportunity to come together as a community and remember your baby at a time of year that may have particular cultural or religious associations.
We call these events Winter Lights to symbolise the moments we often share across winter, and using light as a sign of hope and remembrance. They are special moments, and we warmly welcome you to join us at an event near you.
Sands Online Community
This is a safe, moderated online space for bereaved parents to support each other and share experiences. Once you have a log in you can access the site 24/7 to read and share posts with other users. Visit our Online Community.
Sands bereavement support materials
The information and support booklets that we provide are available to read and download.