I find I am Pregnant, and I am terrified, and I am surprised, I don't know what to do. 5 years without a whisper of pregnancy and here it is when I wasn't even trying. But I knew from the second I picked up that test that I loved you.
First scan, you are too little they can hardly see you. not even 11 weeks yet but I see you! and I love you! and daddy can see you, and he is amazed
12 week scan, and you're standing on your head. you're awkward like your daddy, and daddy says you're stubborn just like me, because I wiggle and I jump and still you wont lie down! onto Blood tests in a few weeks for all my checks instead. oh how I hate needles
20 week scan (Though we are at 21 weeks by your growth estimates) and we look at all the bits about you, I watch you yawn all snuggled up and you gobsmack your daddy who is absolutely stunned by the sight. that gorgeous yawn, and I can see that heart beat! I can here that heart beat!
but we know daddy is awkward, because daddy had a hole in the heart that fixed itself when he was a baby. so I am half expecting the hic up. I talk to the nice lady who smiles and refers me to the Foetal medical Unit, just to double check as she cannot see the heart correctly. 'Its just a precaution'
she tells me.
A GIRL! she tells me. oh I am so happy! just what I had been wishing for.
daddy has a stop, he wanted a boy. but is happy you're there anyway.
I tell him I'm worried about our referral. 'its Just a precaution' he tells me.
4 hours later and I already have a specialised appointment with the doctor, Fast? I suppose its 'Just a Precaution' to make sure you're healthy.
I feel you move, I feel you wiggle, I love you so much my little wiggle bug!
Heart scan, sitting in the waiting room showing daddy a magazine on how to lay down babies to prevent cot death and how you aren't allowed teddies in your cot, because I'm a worry wart and everything needs to be considered.
10 minuets later the doctor is scanning you, we haven't waited very long at all! I'm amazed how great everyone's being for my little precaution.
and then my world ends
as she tells me your heart isn't working, she tells me just how poorly you are. I phone my parents, Grandad can't understand me I'm crying so much, Nanny takes the phone and knows that I need her.
Your daddy is holding me tight, hugging me and telling me how sorry he is.
its not his fault. there is no reason, just a statistic.
Your grandparents arrive, and take us home, and keep us together
We are going to lose you baby girl. before I've even known you.
you stopped wiggling baby girl
You are gone,
how is it fair to die before you're born, 22 weeks + 5
and the tablets start.
the midwife explains the procedure
it shouldn't take more than 3 tablets
I've never had anyone reach 5
and never seen anyone need a hormone drip, I'm telling you as 'just a precaution'
My gorgeous girl, you were born
My Gorgeous Elizabeth
Your daddy held my hand every second
and I held your still body, I kissed your cheek, and I cried and I never stopped, I swear I will never stop.
I have your baby blanket in my Sands box. it is beautiful and I hold it tight when I need you close, your ashes are inside a winged box, in my sands box. ready when I need to be close.
your scan photos and acknowledgment of birth document are in that box.
everything about you is contained it that box
I went into that hospital your mummy, and I walked out with my box. and next to walking out with you in my arms. it was the greatest gift I could have been given.
Elizabeth my Darling Angel, I will Love you for the rest of my life, I will hold you in my arms again one day I swear, I will Miss you until my last breath.
You are my sunshine
I would have given My Last Breath, to see you take your first xxx